


kj's vent/morbid book.

by eddiebobeddie



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other, i dont have much to write here, just please be aware that things can get very triggering, please be aware that there are triggering topics, this is a vent book
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:41:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29548095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eddiebobeddie/pseuds/eddiebobeddie
Summary: a book of vent pieces or morbid pieces.





	1. an apology to the world we created.

i stand at the edge of the dingy apartment breezeway, bits of ice and snow attacking my toes that show through the thong of his brother’s stolen flipflops. i feel my heart shrivel in on itself, the cold nipping at my body just as you once wanted to do. the way you told me you would. 

i feel the bumps on my arm repel the cold wind, no matter how much i tell it to stop, it doesn't. it would be nice to feel myself swallowed in uncontrollable constant states of despair. i realize that i can never take back what i said or did. i can never pull what i baited the fish out of its gills. 

the fish would flop around at my frostbitten toes and prove to me how much i could have done to save it from its miserable state, what i could've done to save you. it loses its breath, just as you lost your ability to stay. gradually. over time. 

the building sways unusually. the foundation is made of stone and brick, so it shouldn’t be swaying. but it does. it sways in the fast and heavy winds that force down upon it in the winter storm. i feel as if the natural beatdown is signaling me what i still think about.

day to day. hour to hour. minute to minute. second to second. word to word. breath to breath. blink to blink. dilation to dilation. 

am i responsible for making the building fall? this building, this home, is falling apart. how do i help it? how do i prevent it? how do i stop myself from falling under it in security? can i apologize? can i apologize over and over to the building and tell it how sorry i am for ruining anything, for making it fall? for making it topple.

how do i tell it? how do i tell him to hang on? how do i tell him that i cant bear to see him fall when i stand in the breezeway in february? 

how do i say im sorry?

how do i apologize to the world we created in that short amount of time?

so here i am.

an apology to the world we created.

-kj


	2. eat.

if i told you want i truly wanted to do to myself, it would freak you out. how i feel flowers growing in my soul when i see you, when you touch me, when you say my name. how i want to open myself up to you in more than one way. how i want to tell you everything i could do to my body to show how much i care. 

how i could open up my stomach and show how my gut wrenches when i need you. to show all of this fucking stupid glitter that was shoved into my bloodstream that made my eyes sparkle when i saw you. to show you how theres stupid little hello kitty bandaids on my heart from all of the cracks i put onto it, that i repaired myself for your benefit. that i wanted to stay for you. 

if i showed you my insides, if i showed you my guts and my scars and my wounds that made me stay, would you? would you care that i slit my wrists and my stomach and my thighs just because i wanted you so fucking bad? i wanted all of you and i still do.

i still fucking want you. i want anything you give me whether its just a fucking hello i love you and i wont stop loving you. i cried your tears i gave you my life i learned for you i learned about you i gave you… everything. i love you. i love you so much. 

if i could eat my own heart, if i could swallow my feelings and my intestines and my organs so i didnt feel anything for you anymore, i would. i would tear everything apart. if i take bloody bites of my own flesh, will you love me? will you love me if i made you a plate with my entire life force on it?

would it be enough for you?

can i tear myself apart any more?

no one needs me anymore. no one needs me. im a weak link that nobody needs. i need to give up. i need to cave in. i need to let go.

i need to eat my own heart.

swallow my feelings for you.

shut myself up.

-kj


	3. a plethora of damaged hearts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this ones a bit shorter lol

its one of those fucky misunderstood things.

i cant hurt myself without hurting others. fuck if i wanted to do *anything* i’d hurt 20 people. this isnt my body. this isnt my own vessel, im simply a facet of ones imagination, a facet of ones personality. i don’t exist. we’re fake and i don’t exist.

i’ve told him over and over. we dont exist. yet he still persists. he still lets me take him over. he still lets me have my place.

maybe i can finagle with time and make him realize how stupid he is. how stupid this situation is how pointless it was for him to realize.

maybe i could bring back the one stein kid. maybe that’ll knock some sense into his head. maybe have them bully him more and more and more until he fucking understands that I DONT EXIST. I NEVER WANTED TO EXIST.

goddamnit if i could die i would. this isn't my goddamn body this isnt my life this isn't my face these aren't my hands. 

all of these people i wish i could see. nick, clay, george, alex, all of them. i miss them so much. i miss when nick used to hold me. i miss when he would kiss my forehead and tell me it was alright. i want him back. i miss when alex would hold me to his chest and tell me i had nothing to worry about. i miss when they both would give me kisses. i miss my old life when i didnt need to be here.

I NEVER WANTED TO BE ME.

pulling my body apart would only be worse. pulling this fucking shell apart. this is bullshit. i hate this i hate this so fucking much.

please make me feel whole again.

-kj


End file.
